If your life is not a masterpiece, try typing a new one

“The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.” – - George Carlin

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Elephant chiropractors focus mainly on spinal trunk alignments

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Fancy on top, but for the 27 people rowing in the basement, their days are hell

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Vegetarians won’t eat anything that can have children. Angry Cat hates children

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The not-so-sneaky sneakers, with wires

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Inside every cynical person lies a disappointed idealist

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Fear of death is directly proportional to personal wealth. Obviously these are poor people

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Could it be, the one you’re protecting is really the one you need to be protected from

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The past is huge. History is only what someone bothered to write down

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Make sure the monkey on your back is not just another version of you

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Kids. They’re not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex

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Bears will spend their entire lives fishing, not realizing how much better a fresh pizza would taste

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Always remember, when you step on the brakes, your life is in your foot’s hands

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For some animals, a closet full of wire hangers can be the most dangerous place in the world

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Modesty: Get a grip on it!

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The clever bird will eat cheese and breathe down a rat hole with baited breath

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Its so rare when you see a swimming pool going for a swim

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If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates that didn’t all look alike

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A man’s home is his wife’s castle, or in this case, her playground

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Always remember, you’re only a bully if the intimidation is not deserved

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Every man’s dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman
without also falling into her clutches

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I guess happiness is not a state you want to be in all the time

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Marriage is nature’s way of keeping us from fighting with strangers

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Some of the damnedest things in life come from eggs

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Weather forecast for tonight:  Dark

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Pests who annoy other pests are my heros

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Life is full of music, but too often it comes from silent keyboards

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The best things in life are silly…. like showing us your butt

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I respectfully decline the invitation to join your hallucination

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