If one goes looked at a map of Britain you may realize that their towns’ names read like an erotic novel. So here are the top 22 certifiably retarded place names.
22. Cockburn, Western Australia
Although this name is often pronounced "Coburn" by those who stand to lose from its awfulness, who actually reads that when they see this word? Oh, how it burns.
21. Twatt, Orkney, Shetland Islands, Scotland
The Shetland Islands, pronounced "Shitland Islands" if you have an accent like mine, make up a happy little area north of Scotland where it’s too cold for trees to grow. I am related to approximately half the population of the Shetland Islands, share a last name with a quarter of them, and can probably trace my ancestry back to Twatt if I try hard enough. The pride!
20. Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateapokaiwhenuakitanatahu, New Zealand
Locals call this hill in Hawke’s Bay "Taumata" because… Well. Just because.
19. Muff, Ireland
We love puerile humour. They have a town called Muff. Har har har.
18. Looneyville, Texas, United States
Little Looneyville was named for storekeeper John Looney in the early 1870s. But who gives a shit. This is a hilarious name for a town in the state that brought us Dallas, the Bush Twins and Waco. How awkward must that be when you go to college? "Hey guys, my name’s Sue and I’m from Looneyville!"
17. Titty Hill, Sussex, England
Falling squarely into the extensive Stupid Place Names From England category, Titty Hill is probably located just north of…
16. Thong, Kent, England
Which actually is south-east of…
15. Gravesend, Kent, England
Oh, come on, England. Graves End? What a nasty, depressing little name. You could have at least gone all the way with this one and called it Corpse Feet.
14. Wetwang, Yorkshire… yep! England again!
Okay, so I’ll cut England some slack. It’s an old country. You know, if the United States is Google, then England is IBM. Their country is older than fucking dirt. They can’t be blamed for having names that sound funny in 2007. But this is kind of ridiculous. Wetwang? I’m surprised they don’t have towns called Squishy Vagina or Infected Scrotum.
13. Spread Eagle, Wisconsin
If I were mayor of Spread Eagle, I’d be making diplomatic advances towards the city leaders over in Wetwang to form a Sister-City relationship. Or maybe more of a Platonic-Friends-City relationship. After that, we’d just take thing slow and see what happened.
12. Bald Knob, Arkansas, United States
Well, I guess it’s better than Hairy Knob. I assume England already has that one covered.
11. Cockup, Cumbria, England
Cumbria is a county in the very north-west of England. What the backwoods of Alabama are to America is what Cumbria is to Britain. They talk funny up there. Thus, it isn’t thoroughly surprising that they have a town called Cockup. What do you call someone from this place? A Cockupper? Cockupeleite? Cockuppian? Cockupican? I suppose it’s mildly better than Wetwangger.
10. Whiskey Dick Mountain, Washington State, United States
As hard as America tries, it can’t compete with Britain’s high standards. This was a good effort, though. Well done, Washington.
9. Hookersville, West Virginia
Undoubtedly named before "hooker" meant "prostitute who picks men up on street corners," Hookersville combines two crimes of place-naming. One, a dirty sounding adjective (they couldn’t have chosen "Pleasant"? "Sunny"? "Happy"?) And two, they added "ville" to the end of the town’s name. Affixing "ville" to the end of a town’s name is like dressing your silly little dog in a cardigan and letting him carry his leash around in his mouth. It just makes the poor animal look fucking stupid.
8. Hell, Michigan, United States
The people in this town at least seem to have a good sense of humour about their home’s unfortunate name. Although, I’m sure there’s some midwestern idiots in Hell who get all offended and defensive when the town shows up on lists like this. I’m looking forward to reading their insightful emails and comments.
7. Toad Suck, Arkansas, United States
So that’s what they do down in the big AR.
6. Middelfart, Denmark
I guess it’s not so funny to them, but how do we know that "Seattle" doesn’t mean "Big Fat Stinking Turd" in Danish? That’s right, we don’t. And it probably does.
5. Horneytown, North Carolina, United States
Its proximity to Hookersville, West Virginia is no coincidence. I also assume that, like Hookersville, the naming of Horneytown took place before "horney" meant "aching for a hot piece of ass" with an extra "e". But I’m starting to wonder why, pride and tradition aside, the townspeople in these little places never saw it fit to change their homes’ names? Do they enjoy being ridiculed by the entire English-speaking world?
4. Shitterton, Dorset, England
I wonder if they bleep out the first part of Shitterton’s name if it’s mentioned on TV in America?
3. Disappointment, Kentucky, United States
Le sigh. Never mind. You live in a small town in Kentucky. At least it was appropriately named.
2. Fucking, Austria
The idiots who live in Fucking, Austria had a vote in 2004 to determine whether or not they should change the town’s name, and you know what they did? They voted against it, preferring instead to put up with international ridicule, numerous stolen road-signs and horrific Google results.
But the hands-down winner, again from New Zealand is:
Why is this the worst place name in the world? In Maori, the native language of New Zealand, the "wh" sound is pronounced "f". Say it aloud in your office and see what happens.